| General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice. |
Yesterday, 07:04 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 312 | My husband and I have all mutual friends, all other couples. Most of these people we have been friends with for years, from our dating days. We have all gotten married and had kids around the same time. So most of these friends are also raising small children right now and as such, we do not get together as much as we used to. I would say we see them maybe once a month. That is the extent of the time that H and I spend with friends. Before any of us had children, we would get together at least once a week and GNO's / BNO's happened about once every other month. My husband has never been a very social person, so it has always been up to me to make plans for us and keep our friendships alive. Currently, what little time we do spend with friends is only because I make it happen. My h has been invited to many BNO's (poker games and invited to play on fantasy baseball/football leagues) and declines all invites. Even though I told him it would be fine for him to go. GNO's are pretty non existent, really only occuring for special occasions - bridal showers, baby showers, etc. Most of us are past that stage now and it's been a long time since I have recoeved an invite for anything that was not a couples event. This is mostly because the women are the primary caregivers to the kids and it's not as easy for us all to leave our lids with the husbands to go out. My H recently read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." (Which I was happy about.) I have not read the book myself, but he mentioned to me that it says he should spend more time fostering friendships with other guys thru BNO's. I told him he should start accepting some of the invitations that come his way. He then turned it around on me, and said that I need to have more friends too and that I need to get involved in GNO's. I was a little taken aback. I understand why the book recommended guy friends. My response is whatever makes him come out of his shell and makes him happier. But I have some strange thoughts on friendships in a marraige. In general, I feel that mutual couple friends are great. Occasional BNO's / GNO's are ok, too, provided they are with a mostly married group of people and the focus is not to engage in singles activities. But I still expect my H to be my best friend. I still expect our narraige to be our primary source of enjoyment and friendship. I feel that we are missing this crucial piece of our relationship right now, and I have a hard time believing that the answer is to fill that void by looking outside the marraige. I took offense a bit when he basically told me I need to make more friends. First, all my current girlfriends are just as busy with work/kids as I am, so we don't have time to get together for GNO's often. Second, I have been putting my effort into fostering that kind of friendship with my H instead (despite how much it feels like treading water at times). I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I support my husband in having his own activities and friends, but hurt a bit when he told me I had to do the sake. Also a bit hurtful that he's so readily seeking this kind of relationship elsewhere when I have been working tirelessly to grow it in our narraige - although he says "the book told me you'd say that." Sigh. So, what's normal? I have a fear that if I start working hard to grow close friendships outside of my marraoge (even with other women) that I will lose my patience with my H and will be less willing to try to share my life with him. I see more harm than good, and can't get over feeling like that's not really what I want. The thought occurred to me though, that maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what a marriage should ne. Maybe we are not supposed to be each others best friends and that realization really shook me to my core. Am I the weird one? Someone please tell me.,
Last edited by kag123; Yesterday at 07:11 PM. |
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Yesterday, 07:26 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 78 | I can empathize with both of your situations. My wife doesn't have all that many friends, but I have some friends. Most of her friends are 3.5 hours away, so she doesn't really get much of a chance to go out. Many of my friends are just down the street. Anyway, it makes me feel guilty sometimes when I go out with friends. It's not that she gets upset with me or anything, but I feel guilty because I feel like I should be there for her. I used to pretty much ignore my bros because of this guilt. I was okay at first, but it kind of gets irritating to not only me, but my friends after a while. Men need to have other male friends, and women need to have other female friends. Part of the reason your husband may have not been as social was because he would feel guilty for leaving you at home. I think the book says to encourage your wife to have other friends to get away from that a bit. I don't think your husband has meant to offend you. Although I can see why you would feel hurt, I think he is just trying to make sure you and he have supplemental relationships also. Your spouse can't satisfy all of your companionship needs - just most of them. He's not trying to replace the friendship you offer him, he just needs something else on top of what you offer him. |
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Yesterday, 07:50 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 78 | Quote:
For example, men are physiologically and psychologically programmed from birth to compete with one another. It is something that you don't want to do with your wife, because you don't want to assign a subconscious "pecking-order" between yourself and her. That's not to mention that I think most women wouldn't get it and just refuse to participate. Just because he wants guy friends doesn't mean that he is disinterested in your relationship. It is probably even beneficial to your relationship, as he will become a more balanced person. He's not subtracting something from your relationship so much as he is adding something to his life. | |
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Yesterday, 07:54 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 53 | I have a small, but close group of girl friends...two who live geographically close, and two who live further from me. I see the nearest two often, working with one. Between them both, I have frequent "girl" lunches, a glass of wine or two while we wait for kids' during their evening extra curricular activities, or an occasional big cook in someone's kitchen to fill a freezer or two (along with a bottle of wine). I have on-line chats with my distant, lifelong friends once a month or so. My husband golfs once, maybe twice, a month with the guys, and has a weekly beer or two in the shop over tools and man toys with buddies. The remainder of our social time is spent with each other, couple friends, family, or our kids. We do not have typical GNOs/BNOs, nor do we have opposite sex friends. Neither one of us feels either is appropriate in a marriage. Most of my girls time occurs during my work day, or during times when I would be otherwise away from my husband anyway (waiting for kids). I choose to spend the rest of my free time with him.
Last edited by librarydragon; Yesterday at 09:43 PM. Reason: Edited to add... |
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Yesterday, 08:02 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 5,999 | I think your hubby is a real Nice guy. So I would take that encouragement for what it is. He is a Nice guy trying to be fair. I think marriage friendly GNOs/BNOs are just fine. That said, I will be honest that I have had my phases of spending time with male friends. I work hard and I like my family time. My wife is my best friend. I would rather spend quality time with her than anything else in the world. I get plenty of other interactions from my colleagues and company trips. Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius |
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Yesterday, 09:45 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 312 | Just to be clear - I have got nothing against him having BNO's or his own activities. I have encouraged him to participate in things he's been invited to do. In the past he has always declined. Most of the time I wouldn't even know about it until much later (he would get invites, not me, and wouldn't tell me about them...I would find out a month or two later when I overheard the guys saying how they missed him at the last poker night or whhatever). I always asked him why he didn't just go, and he'd have an excuse ready. Most of the time it was money related - "buy in is too high" or some other excuse about it being a work night. I didn't press him. He's never been a social guy, he's very shy and quiet and when we are out together he typically relies on me to lead conversations. I just didn't understand why he was pushing me to do the same. I see what some of you are saying about his possible reasons. FWIW, we both work full time jobs, which are usually 50-60 hrs a week (especially mine). I get plenty of interaction (I feel) and time away from my H with my coworkers. At the end of long days all I want is a soft place to land with my husband, but all I get is stonewalled and silence. His reaction at the end of a long & frustrating day is to withdraw, mine is to want to spend time together. I cannot force a friendship with him so I let him go and try not to take it personally. Then the friends thing comes up - basically asking me to get my needs met elsewhere. My initial reaction is...ok, so why be married then? I could have a lot more guilt-free fun with friends and making a social life without my marriage. I never pursued that because its not what I wanted. Not what I thought I signed up for. For example - I get invited to after work happy hours a lot. I never go, because its mostly a single crowd that goes and I felt it would be inappropriate for me to go due to that. Now I feel like I am being dealt a harsh dose of reality, that I was naive and foolish when I got married expecting things that just were too "pie in the sky". I feel like I was mislead or I fell for false advertising. I want him to be happy, first and foremost. Its evident to me that if he's not happy as an individual that we have no chance to be happy as a couple. (Hence, I was happy that he read the book.) But I have a lot to think about if I have to reconcile that my ideas and dreams for our narraige we're wrong. |
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Yesterday, 09:49 PM
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| Member ?Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 5,999 | It is the book. Probably a great book. He is trying to take action. Yes for us folks that work a lot of hours we kinda get plenty of outside interaction. Why is he reading this book. Just curious. Not that it is not worth reding but what problem does he feel he needs to fix? I suspect you are being too hard on yourself and him right now. __________________Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius
Last edited by Entropy3000; Yesterday at 09:54 PM. |
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Today, 09:01 AM
| ? #14 (permalink) | |
| Member ?Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 126 | Quote:
I grew up being the "nice guy" and "friend" a lot. I wasn't a game player, didn't treat women poorly etc. Now in my first marriage, I went from nice guy to doormat. Frankly a lot of that had to do with my ex as much as me. In my current marriage I'm a nice guy who WILL NOT be a doormat. I've learned how to balance the nice guy with demanding respect and also maintaining my position in the marriage/family (Father/Husband). My wife does the day to day finances (writing checks etc) while I plan the budget and what we're doing long term. We both parent mostly equally, but there's definitely the "Do you want Daddy to get angry?" aspect that can be and is used by my wife (my kids see me as the bigger disciplinarian, when in reality my wife is much better with consistent discipline where I just have the bigger impact and am the one who you better not push. I feel I've found the happy medium of being who I am (respect women, chivalry isn't dead, being the man of the house as in making sure children are taken care of first, then my wife, then me, I have the biggest shoulders so I should and can carry the biggest burdens when they come up etc.) but I also have a great deal of self respect and will not tolerate poor behavior/disrespect etc. What makes him too nice. I'm also confused by your initial post. In the first couple paragraphs you make it seem like you want him to be more social and you see this as a problem, then later you make it seem like you don't want him to be more social because then he's going to be neglecting you....You seem to not be ready to accept what you've wanted. You SEEM to be giving your Husband no margin of error.
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