10 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Long Distance Relationship
by Z. & Roni
The first time we met wasn?t a date, yet we both claim it was the best ?date? we ever had. We had been pals for a while through the popular social networking site, Quirky Black Girls. Because we admired each other?s politics and shared an interest in Buddhism, we began exchanging personal emails. Roni called me while she was on a trip from Georgia to Philly for a Buddhist Convention, the Sokkai Gakki International?s Rock the Era. I was pleased to meet an acquaintance, but little did I know my purpose was to meet the woman with whom I would ascend on a very special, personal journey. Sparks flew all of over the place when we meet each other. It could have been the fourth of July in Philly as we were walking around downtown searching for a place to grab drinks. When Veronica made it back to Georgia we found ourselves communicating more frequently, and eventually we admitted there was something special between us. That?s when Roni and I decided to pursue a long distance relationship (LDR). Lucky for me, Roni lived in my home state (Georgia) so I could see her whenever I visited family. Now we had to figure out how we, as two Black queer women, were going to grow together while nurturing the LDR. Through hard work, trust, faith, and commitment we proved successful. And after two years of having an LDR, we now live in the same city. Just in case you ever find love with a person in a distant city, don?t take it as a loss. Here?s our top ten list of tips for navigating a successful LDR.
1? self check, 1?2?1?2
In the essential black feminist text, Sisters of the Yam, bell hooks writes, ?The art of practicing love begins with our capacity to recognize and affirm ourselves.? Before you engage in a LDR, take time to engage in self-assessment. Ask yourself, ?Do I love me? Do I affirm me?? You must have the capacity to love yourself and trust yourself first before you attempt to love an individual in a completely different state! Are you comfortable with spending more time with self? Do you have self-efficacy? Can you trust that you are worth someone?s love, care, and concern over long distance? Checking in with yourself is key. And if you find that you don?t have the highest esteem, find a path towards loving and appreciating yourself fully.
2? come see me! visiting your boo
In LDRs, you have to discuss how often you can reasonably see each other. This is very important. For some folks in LDR?s, the distance is mended by an easy train ride or quick drive. For us, the distance required a plane ride or bus ride from hell. Either way, physical time is important. But you can only meet as often as time and money can afford. For cheap bus rides consider Bolt Bus or Megabus. You may have to transfer buses, but with time it will be smooth as silk. You can also find cheap flights through Air Tran, but be sure to look at other airlines because they sometimes share prices. With Air Tran, search for ticket very early in the morning, especially on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Some couples are only able to see their spouses once every few months, or for others twice a month, but there are other ways to communicate and ?see? each other coming up.
3? are we crystal clear? setting parameters
Make sure to set parameters for the relationship. Is your LDR open or monogamous? Will you talk everyday or just weekly? Can you casually date over long distance, or does dating mean automatic relationship for you? If it is a relationship, what does this mean for the two of you? Although it could be hard at first to decide the status of the relationship, you must be on the same page. So talk about your goals (short and long term) to ensure the future health of your relationship.
4? my girl. quality time with your sweetie
When your girl lives out of town, it can sometimes feel like she isn?t part of your ?real life.? To prevent this feeling, make her a priority by setting aside quality time each week. One of the reasons some people don?t initiate LDRs is because of the myth that you can?t hang out or get to know someone from a distance. This is far from the truth. You can get to know a person from a distance in a number of ways, but you must be creative. One of our favorites ways to spend time together was by having movie dates. We both created Netflix accounts so we could watch TV shows and movies together while the phone. Skype is a great way to communicate from a distance, and FaceTime on iPhone helps facilitate meaningful time together as well. Writing traditional letters and sending random notes is an underrated and special way to foster your bond. You could also surprise her with a care package. This will give you plenty of Brownie points, which will come in handy later!
5? get ready to sacrifice
One of the things you must be prepared for is making sacrifices. Get used to being flexible and ?giving in? while in a LDR. For example, you may find yourself spending time on the phone, even though you?re not a telephone person. And if you don?t like to fly, you may have to adjust your attitude about flying. Long distance relationships require a lot of work and you must be willing to let go of a certain level of comfort for the sake of your relationship. But doing so can be beneficial because you get over fears or develop a part of you that you?ve confined for some time.
6? what about your friends?
Although there are many Black queer women who have support from their family members, and are open about their sexuality, there are those who have been ostracized by family, thereby creating a chosen family through friends. We guarantee you that your friends will have a lot to say about your LDR. Make sure you are strong in your commitment to your partner so that way when you get feedback from friends, you don?t allow their opinions to sway you. In our experience, we had friends say that the other was cheating, and some said that they could never be in a LDR. It was hard for some to understand why we would initiate and maintain a LDR. At one point, a friend said, ?You know you can find someone here in Philly right?? Relish in the support that you do receive from family and friends, and soak up as much encouragement as you can get. But you may have to remind them that they should be understanding and supportive of your decisions.
7? money matters
Money does matter in long distance relationships. If your finances are not in order before the LDR, begin to take the necessary steps that ensure that money won?t hinder you. Being in an LDR can result in frequent travel and high cellphone bills. Make sure your phone plan is compatible to both of your talking needs. Some cellphone companies have mobile-to-mobile minute plans, which is essential for any LDR. Technology plays a large role in LDRs, so be prepared to pay for the luxury of frequent, video communication. However, do not get so caught up with the expenses of the LDR that you ignore your personal responsibilities. And if your goal is to eventually relocate to the same the city, have a savings plan so that you can pay for the future moving expenses.
8? get your freak on!
Just because you?re in a long distance relationship doesn?t mean that you can?t have highly satisfying sexual experiences with your partner. Intimacy is an important aspect of the relationship and getting to know someone?s body from afar can be exciting. Phone sex or masturbation (via the phone or camera) are just two ways to ?experience? your long distance partner. But there is an art to LDR masturbation, so take the time to learn and explore it. Be open to trying new things, even toys! Remember, you have to be creative.
9? trust and loyalty, kicking your jealousy out the door
If she doesn?t answer the phone when you call, don?t assume that she?s having an affair. Always be direct if you have questions or doubts because the worst thing you can do is to assume. If you?re in a relationship with a partner that has some insecurities, be mindful and sensitive to them. If she needs reassurance, give it to her. If she needs for you to check in when you get home from work, check in. This is completely healthy when it?s not obsessive or possessive. You always want your partner to understand that you?re not hiding anything and that communication is open between the two of you. But if you want to be trusted, be sure you are loyal to the relationship.
10? considering the future, the big move
Like other things in life, there will come a point when your long distance relationship reaches a peak. You and your sweetie might come to a point where you may want to relocate in order to end the stress of expensive flights, lonely nights, or tables for one. In some cases, you might not have the financial means or the ability to move due to other obligations, for example. If this is the case, reassess the relationship. If you decide to keep pushing forward, use the tips we?ve given. Whatever you chose, keep the future in mind. Have conversations about what you want your future to look like, both physically and time-wise, and make plans about where you would both like to live? Again, with all LDRs, there comes a time when the topic of relocation becomes paramount. It?s very important to realize this fact from the moment you both decide that your relationship is worth the labor of love and distance. Ask yourself, ?What are my circumstances??
?
Recently, Z. and I decided that relocating was best for us because we wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Since I had just started a new career and Z. had always thought of moving back home to Georgia, we made a big decision that would change our lives forever. Our LDR wasn?t easy, but through faith and constant support for each other, we are growing each day. The reality of the matter is that no transition is ever easy. But if you both focus on the goals (e.g. starting a life together, growing together, allowing the relationship to thrive) then positive energy will carry the relationship forward. Relocation doesn?t always equate to ?u-hauling? (i.e. moving in together prematurely). Although moving in together is more financially practical, relocating to closer cities is an option as well. Again, it?s very important to consider each other?s circumstances.
All in all, the survival of a LDR is no different than those just around the corner. Any type of relationship requires trust and honesty, as well as tons of patience. Although communication can be strained, and lack of physical contact stressing, the LDR is well worth the joys and pains if you believe that you?ve found the perfect mate. But once you begin the LDR, beware of tough decisions and make-or-break arguments. Nevertheless, if you?re honest and confident in what you want, your relationship?long distant or not?will flourish. ?
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